Sunday, January 29, 2006

Sum of all fears

An unexpected fear has slept under my skin these days. I don't know what to do about it and I try to run from it. It is not very serious but I fear that this fear might grow. Each of the things that add to my fear separately is nothing but to have the burden of all of them in my shoulders might become unbearable in the coming days unless I can find a way out of at least one of them.
My scholarship has ended last month and despite my hopes I found out yesterday that they might not renew it. I don't want to talk about it with my family whom I have already got a lot of help from. That leaves me in a very hard position. I have to try and find a PhD proposition with funding very soon and very fast, otherwise my stay in France, my possible admission from US and my future studies and even my sister's whom I try to find an admission for in France are all under serious doubt. These are all parts of my fears. My visa expires at the end of February and although I am registered in the university I have to show them that I have financial support, if not I have to return to Iran and kiss everything goodbye, probably even my future and start a daily sad life in a country with a very unpredictable future and very limited freedoms.
Right now, the only thing I can do is to write my fears to calm myself down a little bit and then start thinking my way out of the options I have which are quite a few but very unclear choices. If I only knew about the possibility of my admissions in US that would have helped but I only sent four admission requests (I gave up USC in the last minutes) and to be honest, I don't think the probability would be high.
I have some other fears as well but I am not sure if I can express them all in here. For example my studies in "Research Master"(a special program in French which is considered to be the first year of PhD studies in France) which I don't know where it is heading. The other fears are more personal (actually the previous ones were personal too) but the most impersonal fear of all is the fear of what my country is heading to. The future is under a very dark cloud and nothing less than a miracle can clear it.
At last, as usual I have hope and I know that this will pass too. Everything will eventually become what I wanted and what I was destined to and of course that requires my hardest efforts. This is life! What is it without ups and downs and the barriers in the way? A meaningless experience, isn't it?


Mohammadreza said...

The same feelings still exist for me, but what can we do. We can just wait & see. Hope you achieve your goals.

a friend said...

as smart you are, you do not to be worry

Mim said...

I hope u don`t have to kiss everything goodbye. I share a similar sort of fear. What if they don`t give me an admission just because I am an Iranian?